LAUNDRY and GUILT

“I love my son…I love my son…I love my son…”

Yes, judging Mc. Judgerson’s sometimes I have to remind myself of that. If you have never been in that place with your, which I can only assume, are alien children, I commend you – go eat a cookie.

I AM NOT THAT MOMMY…I have pretty much had it with the hitting, kicking, back talking, blatant ignoring, and overall jerkness that my 3 ½ year old displays on a daily basis.

He wants to go outside to play with his friends…he goes outside – he’s a brat.

We keep him inside…as a punishment for being a brat – he’s a brat.

He wants to play on the iPad…he plays on the iPad – he’s a brat.

We tell him he can’t play on the iPad...as punishment for being a brat – he’s a brat.

He wants to take a bath, not a shower…he takes a bath – he’s a brat.

We don’t let him choose…he gets a bath – he’s a brat.

He wants to have a treat for eating his dinner…he gets a treat – he’s a brat.

We stop bribing with treats…lost that privilege – he’s a brat.

I.AM.EXHAUSTED.

When did my sweet, funny, active little son flip the “I want to do nothing more that tick you off” switch?

Is it his age?

Is it because he is jealous of Chloe?

Is it because he hates me?

Is he is a crazy person?

Last weekend I literally had to call my mom, in TEARS and ask her, “WHAT DO I DO? He is going crazy!” (yes…I literally said that)

It’s a long story, but it ended with me picking him up out of the tub –

carrying him to his bedroom – when I slipped onto the bathroom tile (while I was carrying him)

from all the water he threw all over the bathroom.

Again…long story and NOT one of my finer moments.

My mom (who is PERFECT) gave me the best advice, “I’m coming over – stay away from him!”

I was at the end of my rope, but thanks to my mom, not alone.

She did come over, not to rescue him, but as support for me and to give me a break before I snapped.

She sternly put him back in his room and took my side in the tantrum fest.

After Brody finally passed out (asleep), shirtless on his bedroom floor – I was able to just sit and talk with my mom.

My mom is a very patient person, so I asked her if she ever screamed and yelled at us… “You kids drove me nuts!” she said – ah, a sigh of relief, because I don’t remember it one bit – there is hope that Brody won’t remember these fits either.

That night, after I had calmed down, and heeding my mom’s advice, I went into his room, sat him up, put on his shirt, gave him a hug, kissed his little mouth and tucked him in.

He laid there asleep, but still sniffling – exhausted from his screaming tantrum.

*enter guilt*

My mom once said…”as a mom, there are always 2 things; laundry and guilt.”

True story.

WOW…after all that stress and anger he made me feel, when it was all said and done - I sure do love that kid. I can totally understand that feeling of loving something to the core of who you are – which is why I get so angry at his actions…

I HATE sending him to his room…I want to SEE him.

  I HATE yelling at him…I want to TALK about his day.

I HATE spanking him…I want to HUG him.

(yes, we spank. If you work for CPS, come get me…I need a vacation anyway)

This has been the most exhausting phase to date…

(I am certain it’s a phase – if it lasted too long…there would be a lot more INSANE people around).

If you made it through and you are not an alcoholic, clinically insane or in jail –

YAY YOU – SUCCESS!

It’s just a good thing kids are so stinking cute!

HOW DO YOU PREPARE FOR TWO KIDS?

I have been thinking a lot about how life is going to change with two kids in tow all.the.time… (Not that I have any choice at this point).

Drew and I always talk about how easy life was before Brody – not that we would change it for the world, but let’s be honest – any of us with kids, reminisce about “life before kids”. Life was so much less complicated with zero kids – now when we adjust to having one kid – enter kid #2!

As I venture into these last few weeks of pregnancy - I find myself being so very tired at the end of my day. I don’t mean that lightly at all – I am talking “its only 830 and I am sound asleep drool on my pillow” type of tired. I.AM.OUT.

I remember the days (even with Brody) where I would NOT go to bed without all the laundry folded and put away, dishes out of the sink, dinner made, floors vacuumed/mopped…etc, etc, etc. Now…I can’t even muster up the energy to watch my favorite show, Millionaire Matchmaker (don’t mock me), all the way through – and it only starts at 9pm)…

Holy moly how much worse is this going to get with 2 little people (and a large man – I do not mean that in the dirty sense) needing me? I get a tad anxious just thinking of all the things that will remain unfinished, untidy, and unfolded…ugggh – I think this is why people have maids – or why I think that God should have created moms with 4 arms!

And all the stuff that comes with a baby?!?!?! I mean we are finally to a point where we can leave the house with just Brody – no diaper bag to worry about…we can just head out!

For example, just last night, Drew was washing my car (yes…he’s a fabulous hubby), Brody was using the oil funnel as a trumpet (parents of the year) and I was determined to see if Chloe’s perfect little girl car seat would fit with the FREE 2-seater stroller we were given (Shout out Scott and Amy Bishop – whoop! whoop!).

Anyway, I got the “baby seat” bar thingy to click in and ta-da – it worked! I convinced Brody to try out his new seat in the back of the stroller so that I can practice pushing it around. Yeah…for mom’s of one – get ready to feel like you are pushing a bus down the street!

WOW – it will be quite the parade when we want to leave the house – again…moms need 4 arms!

Then there is the mood of the first child when baby #2 comes and mommy becomes a “trader”!

For starters, Brody is in his, “mommy do it” stage. Mommy MUST DO EVERYTHING! If daddy even attempts (and I am somewhere in sight)…major meltdown mode! I have heard that when baby #2 comes, two things tend to happen;

1) Kid #1 HATES mommy
2) Kid #1 becomes even more attached to Mommy.

Only time will tell which road Brody will take, but regardless, it will be tough to balance. The good news is that I have heard the hardest part only lasts 2 weeks – (please NOBODY comment….I am choosing to live in this bubble)!

For now, the question I get most often?

Does Brody understand that he is getting a sister?

My answer?

Who knows…he’s 2! – One second he is trying to lift up my shirt so he can “tickle baby Chloe” (not so cute in public when mommy’s pants remain unzipped) and the next he is telling me to “bow to him because he is a pirate” and then smacks me on the head with his sword!

Honestly, I don’t think he cares at this point. His life hasn’t changed at all – he is still the center of our world – not to mention the center of Pappy, Mama, Nana, Grandpa’s worlds too.

At this point and until Chloe arrives home from the hospital, she is just unfathomable…he probably thinks we are getting a new puppy!

Regardless – life is about to get flipped end over end in a few weeks…For Mommy, Daddy and Brody – scary stuff – but I would not change it for the world!

I thank God for my rambunctious boy who hits with swords (all in love of course), jumps off everything and wrestles “like a man”…

I walk by Chloe’s nursery…see the pink tulle and ruffles and am so thankful to have this sweet girl join our family – bring in a softness that only she can bring…

No matter what lies ahead in life – I know that it will be complete…

Oh…and this time…a photo…”baby makes 4”!

Ready Or Not...Here She Comes!

I am back at it again and this time, I really want to stick with this whole blogging commitment. I am inspired by those who keep track of their thoughts on life, updates and photos of the family…etc. So, here is my attempt to keep anyone who cares…up to date on our life!

Hard to believe that my last blog was over a year ago and was a special letter to Brody, after I had accepted a new position with a company…well fast-forward until now and here I sit…blogging about life and how it is going to be changing so drastically in just 3 months when we finally get to meet our daughter, the next piece of our family, precious Chloe!

When Drew and I decided to yank out that IUD (yes…”yank” in the literal sense), I remember the doctor telling me that, statistically, I should be pregnant in about a year – challenge accepted! Forget the stats…Drew and I were back in her office within 3 months! Total blessing for an impatient person like myself!

Finding out it was a sweet girl was even more exciting. I always wanted one of each – not to mention, I think that it is very special for a girl to have an older brother. (I remember having a hard time in college, being away from home – having the wrong friends on campus and the times my older brother was there for me…sometimes when I didn’t even realize it….he was looking out for me) I get a little sappy thinking of Brody having that same compassion for Chloe, watching out for her, protecting her…giving her advice, especially when Drew and I are the last people she wants to talk to.

I know that life is going to change drastically. I know that it will be a challenge to have two children, but I also have faith that God has chosen Chloe for us. He blessed us with Brody, who has completed our life in a way that I cannot even describe – seriously, I cannot even imagine life without him and now, to know that Drew and I are being entrusted with a daughter and for Brody, a sister, I can rest assured knowing that Chloe is made only for us and she will be the perfect fit.

Do not get me wrong, the excitement of all the pink, the lace, the bows - it all pales in comparison to my absolute fears about raising a daughter. At times, I get sick to my stomach thinking about whether or not I will be the kind of woman it takes to raise this perfect little girl, even scarier, how I will do at raising her into a woman.

Let’s all be honest, this world is not the ideal setting to raise a girl, much less, to raise children at all. People are creeps…this world is full of lies…and we have to not only teach our children to sort through it all, but we ourselves have to lead by example.

I am a woman, a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I like to think that I do a decent job at all of my “duties”; however, I am also SUPER insecure! I want the perfect body, perfect face, perfect hair and the perfect clothes…I am insecure in how I look and how I am perceived – I struggle daily with the thought that I will never be enough. With that being the thorn in my side, how can I teach my precious daughter not to get caught up in the world and their “image” of perfection, when I cannot lead by example?

These are my true fears – my struggles and worries. Amidst all the fun times that come with having another baby, the showers, the new clothes, decorating the nursery…I constantly come back to my fears. As much as I cannot wait to see her, hold her, and, (in moderation) hear her sweet cry – but I know that those precious moments will pass so quickly, in the blink of an eye she will be grown and sooner or later I will have to let her grow up…

She will talk back; she will want to wear make up; she will want to leave the house in a mini skirt; some insufficient sap will knock on our door expecting to take her on a date – only to be greeted by a very large daddy and brother who will be yielding a weapon of some sort; she will make horrible decisions – ones that I too made – ones that I cannot save her from; she will get her heart broken and I will need to learn the hard way that, as much as I may want to, I cannot take away her pain; hopefully, she will want to go shopping with me; she will learn to cook; she will learn what it means to go from being a girl to a woman; she will tell me that she hates me; she will slam her door; she will move out; she will fall in love; she will need to choose for herself to trust the Lord – all of these things are inevitable, none of these things I have control over – and for me, that is a hard pill to swallow.

I believe that Chloe is in heaven right now, I believe that Jesus is preparing her for her appearance into this world. I know that she is formed by the hand of God. Not only her physical body, but her mind, her personality and her heart. I know that God has big plans for her; just as he does for everyone…I know He is encouraging her…teaching her…loving her…and telling her all about Drew, Brody and I – preparing her little mind to be apart of our lives…FOREVER! Just as He is preparing us to raise her into the woman God has called her to be. It’s easy to write and I know that truth in my heart, but my prayer is that I can reflect that.

Chloe Jennifer Simpson, I pray that we are enough for you. I pray that you will always know how perfect you are, how much you are loved and that you are the most perfect and beautiful girl in the world! You have no idea just how much you are already loved, how devoted your daddy and I are to you and your brother. You are our daughter, you will always be our daughter and NOTHING you can do will ever cause us to stop loving you!

I can hardly wait for this next adventure, I know the good outweighs the fear of the bad...bring on the pink, lace and bows!

If only for a season...

Love bug-

I just found out that I got a new job. You see, I was laid off of work Feb 28, 2010. We kept you with Ms. Kelly as long as we could while I was looking for a new job. You see, she was the angel that was sent to Daddy and I when we were looking for someone to watch you. She was AMAZING, and became a very special part of our family. Leaving someone else to care for you was the hardest thing ever, and she was so great. After a month of looking for a job, we made the difficult decision to take you out of her care and I would be a stay-at-home mommy to you while looking for a job. Taking you out, meant that she would not have a spot for you when I found my next job.

Well, that time has come. Mommy found a new job-which means that I am needing to find someone else to care for you while I work. As I sit here and write this, I am literally in tears!! Being with you these past months, was such a special time. We did so much together!! Lots of little trips to the park, reading books, gardening, playing with new friends, jumping off the couch, throwing the ball for Thor, coloring, and just being together. Honestly, when the decision was made that I would care for you, I was crushed. I feel that you deserve so much, and that I would be taking away your friends and the way you learned from others. I felt that I would not be able to do a good job being you mommy! I was wrong, you loved being with me, and we really became so close.

I think about the next person that will be caring for you. I think about how crazy it is going to make me as a search and search until I find the person who is worthy to have you in their life, to teach you, to love you and to let you be a boy.

I spent some time putting away all of your 1st year items. WOW...time does fly and you do not skip a beat! You have grown into so much more than I could've even asked for in a son. You are rough, tough and have no fear. Although you eat so sloppy, throw everything and run and scream...you can still melt my heart when you sit quietly in my lap & want me to read you a book. Every so often, turning you head, puckering you lips, and leaning in for a kiss.

You are EVERYTHING to me, and I want you to know, that no matter where I am, what I am doing...I am doing it for you and I NEVER stop thinking of you!

You truly are mommy's little love bug!!!

We still have 5 weeks together before I start full time daycare, and they are going to fly by so fast! Auntie Des gave me the best advice, "enjoy this time with Brody, it may only be for a season".

I love you with all of my heart and you make me so proud to me called "mommy"!

Until next time....I LOVE YOU!!!!

Brody's first trip to the zoo

Drew and I decided to take a day and head to San Francisco and take Brody to the zoo for his very first time.

This would be our first time for Brody to we decided to bring along his bear backpack - a.k.a a baby harness and leash. Brody is still not used to it, nor is he fond of it. But...it makes us feel a little better and hopefully, with more practice, he'll get the hang of it.

In our mind, we had a totally different idea as to how Brody would react to the amazing animals that we would be so close to. I mean, giraffes, bears, anteaters, monkeys! A kids dream, right? WRONG! Drew and I were amazed at all these creatures, Brody however had his own favorite things at the zoo:

Plants (seriously...we have them in our backyard)
Birds (Which I think are a waste of time to look at)
Stairs (He found these next to the bear exhibit-yes BEARS and he would rather stairs)
Squirrel (not a flying one, just a regular old park one)
Statue (at least it was a statue of an animal...he gets 1/2 credit)

Although, for my active little boy, I think his favorite part was being outside and able to run around. There were 15 people in the whole zoo so with the place to ourselves...Brody could really explore. He walked...and walked....and walked!

The fresh air was so good for all 3 of us and it was a perfect family day. Below are some pictures from our trip:

Growing....so much...in just a year

I often look back, remembering back to being pregnant...being so anxious and wanting him to arrive early. I can still hear the voices of friends and family reminding me that I needed to cherish this time (blah blah blah). I remember the final 2 weeks...working around the house, cleaning, purging, getting my house ready for this little addition. Praying everyday...that he would come...I wanted him early...I wanted him NOW. I knew his little life was still being formed, that God was still laying out the path that he will be taking. That my grandma was holding him in heaven asking God for one more lullaby, one more kiss and one more story before sending him to me.

Well...I will admit it! EVERYONE was right...God sent me Brody, when Brody was ready. He had quite the schedule to keep...he was NOT allowed to come the weekend before his due date since it was a HUGE UFC fight night, and daddy really wanted to watch. He was not allowed to come until at least Feb 4th, since that's when Pappy arrived in town, and he was NOT allowed to come late...heaven forbid he would interrupt the Super Bowl. Being the compliant boy he is....he came at the earliest possible time, as to satisfy my yearning to meet him and not interrupt any other plans. Luckily for me...it was RIGHT ON HIS DUE DATE!!!

He was born at 5:42 pm on Feb. 4. He was 6 lbs and 21 1/2 inches long. Who was there to witness his birth...EVERYONE! Drew and I, of course, along with BOTH my parents and Drew's mom. Outside the doors were more friends and family. I was open (in more ways that one) to ANYONE who wanted to watch. The more the merrier!! Creepy...I know! Literally seconds after he was born, our room was flooded with people wanting to meet him. Uncle Scott, Uncle Ryan & Auntie Des, Erik, Brad and Gina. He was so loved...and still is by all of those people and more!

He popped out with his eyes WIDE open...ready to take on the world.

There were two things that I vividly remember to this very day:

#1 the feeling as I held him when I first saw him, thinking he was the cutest baby ever. Most newborns are not a pretty sight, but then you get those rare ones, who are perfect! I remember thinking that he was THAT ONE rare baby...that he was flawless. Well let me tell you....looking back at those pictures...he was a MESS!!! Cone head (seriously...like from the movie...full on conehead!), face all beat up...he really looked like he has gone through the ringer (which I guess he had).

#2 the food. Seriously to this very day...I still think (and tell people) that Kaiser Roseville serves the best meatloaf on the planet!!! That was my first meal after childbirth...and still thinking back today...so delicious!

I get tears in my eyes when I talk about that life changing day in my life. God had given this boy to me and placed him in my care and now it was my job to do the right thing in raising him.

Thursday, Feb 4th (2 days), Brody will be a year old and I have enjoyed every moment of this past year. He has grown so much and taught me more in the process.

Watching him take his first steps, saying a new word, his eyes lighting up when I come home from work, slide down a slide, throw a ball, play hide and seek, dance, throw his first tantrum (because he couldn't go on the escalator), playing with friends, making new friends, sharing a snack of goldfish crackers and grapes (with me and the dog), blowing kisses, splashing in the tub, reading books, throwing him on the bed, and sometimes...just sitting in our laps, quietly, enjoying the moment.

He is the little love of my life and he makes me want to be a better person...mother and wife! He has taught me unconditional love...a gift that I know I have received, but have never been able to truly understand.

My nurse asked me...(as my epidural had worn off and I was about to push) "Do you ever wonder why people do this more than once?" Although I do not remember my response (i bet it was very candid)...I do remember her handing me my son and saying "this is why"

Brody...everyday I have another reason to love you!

Happy Birthday my little love bug!

It was a white...."post-Christmas"!

This year Drew, Brody and I traveled with Pappy (my dad) to Denver. There we met up with Uncle Scott, Auntie Ashley, Uncle Ryan, Auntie Des and Cousin Eli!

Denver?...you ask. Well there was a youth convention happening and since most of the family was involved, we decided to make a reunion out of it. Downfall?...my mom couldn't be there. Other than that...it was a BLAST!

This was a Brody's first airplane ride and needless to say, I was nervous. There were many things that went into my fears, but the one I couldn't get out of my mind...changing a nasty poopy diaper in the box of a bathroom that they have on airplanes. You see...Brody is a regular kid and he poops every morning within 20 minutes of his bottle. "Save the bottle for take off" was everyone advice...uggh "that meant poop on the plane"! Well...that went off without a hitch...because obviously the altitude kept him "stopped up"! Phew....dodged that bullet!

All in all, Brody did AMAZING! He slept most of the way there and even played "peek-a-boo" with the people in the row behind us. They literally entertained him for 20 minutes with that.

On the flight home...same thing. Although the initial part had me a bit worried. We decided to let Brody walk all around before we boarded, in an attempt to tire him out for the flight. Well....for those of you who know Brody, he makes friends with everyone. As I followed him around the gate, he would stop to squeal at and "talk" to fellow passengers. He made quite a few friends and also gained quite a bit of attention. It was now time to board and we took our seat. Still trying to entertain him we would take turns lifting him up to touch the air vents and lights above us. This really made him laugh...thus attracting even more attention to himself. Up and down he went as he laughed and played. Hearing the giggles behind us, I knew he had an audience. Well it was almost time for take-off and it was Drew's turn to lift him up.
To preface this, Brody knows the excitement of "Ooooone...Twwwwwoooo...THREEEEEEEEE" and his face and squeals show this every time.

Picture with me Drew holding Brody...captive audience behind us, watching this little man giggle and laugh as his head pops into view.

One...Brody is lifted slightly in the air with a big smile!
Twwwwooooo...a little higher up as he squeals in delight!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....BONK!!!! Head into overhead compartment..."silent" scream approaching....and here it comes!

Well there are two sides to every coin.
Downside? Brody is no longer "happy".
Upside? Nobody saw him again because after 2 minutes of crying he was sound asleep for 3 hours!
See? Two sides!

Aside from the lack of sleep and crazy effects that the altitude had on us, it was a great trip. Spending time as a family was amazing. We ate, we laughed, we played Saved By the Bell trivia, read disgusting facts from a book and watched Brody and Eli play together!

It was so surreal to be at the convention. To see people that I went to the same conventions with when I was in High School. There we all were...with our little ones by our side. Talking about how funny it will be in many years when our little babies are grown up and going to these same conventions together. Amazing that as much as time flies by, there are always those people you will run into...causing you to think about the past...and be amazed at where God has brought you in the present.

Although we do not know when we will all be together like that again, I know that when we are...things will not change. We will pick up where we left off...eating, laughing and watching the little ones!

Enjoy a few of the pictures from our trip! (compliments of Auntie Ashley..the family paparazzi)

CLICK on the picture to see the whole thing!


Heading out in the cold…walking to lunch!


We’ve arrived..we’re hungry…the little ones are tired!


From the looks of Brody’s shirt…I think he enjoyed lunch!


Uncle Scott…telling Brody about the view! This is one of my favorite pictures. Scott has only seen Brody 3 times, but his love for him makes me so happy!


On the tram…as “typical” we only left the warmth for 3 things. #1: Food, #2 Starbucks, #3 Shopping! (This was for Pappy’s Bday…and all 3 of the other reasons)


Auntie Ashley and her two little Glo-Worms!


Yet another group photo taken of the kids. (As you can tell, Drew LOVES pictures)


Brody. I think that he is telling Pappy that we were making fun of him and putting him in Uncle Scott’s underwear.


He got over it quickly…he’s used to being the butt of the jokes!


The first…but not the last time...Eli is punching Brody! Ah cousins!


Uncle Scott: Okay Brody…you can do it just like this.
Brody: Ummm…that’s not how you do it….


THIS is how you do it!
Uncle Scott: Touché!